Rock star is a mental state, not in the sense of a delusional disorder, but in the sense that a mind’s eye is key. Anyone can be a rock star. It’s all in your actions and attitude. Here are some pointers, in case you run into some situations:
- When the ability to be loud presents itself, do it. Turn that mother to 11, even if you have to break the knob.
- When asked a question, deflect with another question, talk in circles, mumble incoherently, get transcendental in your answer, plead the fifth due to current legal proceedings or just say, “No comment.” Your rock-star mystique will remain intact.
- If the opportunity to be shirtless occurs, seize the moment. If you find yourself in a torrential downpour, whilst somehow being in a wind tunnel, a simple unbuttoning of a dress shirt will suffice.
- Don’t give a fuck about anything, unless brown M&M’s are in your dressing room.
- When an explosion occurs near you, just walk away. Don’t look back. Just walk away and hope somebody is taking a picture. Refrain from flinching or stumbling from the blast, as this will lessen the rock-star effect.
If any of these events do not occur, feel free to get addicted to drugs, commit crimes, go to jail, then to rehab, proceed to clean up and write angst-filled songs in which you scream about everything you’ve seen, done and been through.
—AUSTIN WHITELY, The Moderately Fed Artist